The Break-Up Survival Guide Pt. 6 (Final)

Acceptance - I'm gonna be ok

So now you've finished up all the tissues crying, beaten your pillow flat and silently cursed him to die several painful deaths, and you've gotten to the end of this extremely long article. What now? Well... now you move on. It felt like crap – some days you couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed, you couldn’t concentrate, you couldn’t sleep, you felt so exhausted but you couldn’t find rest, you lost your appetite and interest in things you used to be interested in, your smile didn’t reach your eyes. But one day you get detached.

“Once again, I feel this empty sense of removal. Did I really expect something to happen? Did I really? Because nothing did. And that’s the thing that hit me hardest, the sheer…nothing-ness. Hahahaha. It doesn’t hurt anymore. It doesn’t hurt anymore. I can’t even cry. I have this feeling, stuck in the back of my throat and burning in the back of my eyes but the tears just won’t come. Seems like I’ve run out of tears for you. Hahaha… that’s amazing how you can cry till you’re out of tears. I can feel it there. But I can’t feel that it hurts. HA.HA.HA.”

-Letters, January 6^th 2009-

One day, yes, the day will come, you will wake up and you will realise that this isn't you. You are not this sad, mopey, lame, pathetic person. You are better than this. In fact you hate these people! When you see them in chick flicks and movies you say to the TV screen, "What's wrong with you??" So why be that person? 

One day you will get sick and tired of crying, in fact you might have stopped long before simply because you've run out of tears. One day you will be fed up of feeling the anger, the hatred or the jealousy. One day you will have talked it over so much that you just don't wanna talk about it anymore. See... the human brain is such that it cannot continually engage in high levels of excitation, eventually your brain will adapt and create a higher threshold for stimulation to occur thereby resulting in reduced response, this is the process of habituation. < - - sciency crap

In other words? You can only hurt so much. Eventually you're gonna get tired of hurting and start to heal. This will come so gradually that one day you will be surprised to find that "Hey, I'm getting better." That is the point where, unlike before, you start to fathom a future without the person you had loved so long and so hard.

Because it’s the end of the year, I’m starting to look back on everything. I am blogging about my year and all the great moments. I considered omitting you for like 2 seconds. I included you because the truth is, you made many of those moments great and it would be wrong for me not to acknowledge that just because of the miserable moments. For every one moment of happiness, you would have to suffer through 10 of sadness. Would you take it?

I’m not sure if its 1:10 but I know that I’ve paid for every happy, blissful moment with you in tears so I’ve already taken it. And I’m at a point where I believe I’d take it all. All over again. Because it was worth it. That’s why I will not omit you

-Letters, December 30^th 2008-

1.Now it's time to look back on your relationship. Chances are, while you've been sad, you've been sugar-coating it and making excuses for inexcusable behaviour. We have a tendency to remember only the good bits but think about it, weren't there signs that the break-up was coming? Was he really all that? No bad habits, nothing that you disliked, not one slip up, not one illogical demand, not one nonsensical accusation? Did he really love you all that much? Ask yourself honestly, were you hanging on for love or were you hanging on for familiarity? Most of us don't like change and we'd rather cling to bits of the familiar than relinquish it all and start over. Of course there were good times but it's not that perfect little Utopia you made it seem in your head and he was not Prince Charming. Admit it, there were bits about him you absolutely resented. So come clean.

And the first thing I did after I stopped crying was to make you smile first. The truth is, you don't love me enough to try. There. I've said what you couldn't. You don't love me enough. You don't even appreciate me enough to see how much I love you. I always asked myself if I'm good enough for you. Why don't you love me? What am I doing wrong? I've NEVER asked if you're good enough for me? Why should I love you? What are you doing wrong? 

But I'm asking now. I always thought that you were some great person. But I may have been blind, may just have been in love. Maybe the person that I love isn't even there, was never there. Its sad... to figure out that the person you love... loved... never existed.

-Final Words, November 13^th 2008-

It’s not dissing, I’m not encouraging you to diss. I’m saying that you know, its not as perfect as you made it out to be and the sooner you stop seeing it as some perfect fairy tale and just another good story, the easier it will be to relinquish it as another chapter in your life; good while it lasted and pleasant to reminisce on but not worth hurting over its end.

2. Be proud. Oh yeah, be very proud. Cause you got here, you finally got here and it hasn’t been easy, it hasn’t been fun but you stuck it through and you are ok and you will be ok. Whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger right? And now you’re a better person. You see, life doesn’t give you the people you want. No, it gives you the people you need; to help you, to hurt you, to love you and to leave you and mostly, to make you into the person you were meant to be. 

Yes it was hard, yes I took my time and yes I faltered but what does it matter? He isn't the first and he won't be the last, to break my heart, but there hasn't been a guy out there yet who could break me. Half and year and one broken heart later....

 

I'm still here.

-Half A Year And One Broken Heart Later, April 16^th 2009-

 

3. Go out. 'Plenty of fish in the sea' may be cliche but its true. Don't close yourself off to new people and new relationships but at the same time don't be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship, for the sake of compensating for that emptiness and loneliness. See, I believe that you have to be able to learn to put up with yourself and that means to stand being alone with nobody to fuss over, nobody to distract you before you can expect someone else to put up with you. I learn in Psychology that for a healthy relationship, you have to be able to fuse yourself with someone else without losing anything that makes you you.

And that concludes 'The Break-Up Survival Guide' hope you've enjoyed reading.

Naturally recovery is not a clean cut process in any shape or form, it's not a natural progression and from time to time you will find yourself falling back to another stage and of course not all the stages are the same for everyone. This is not something to be followed to the letter but just a general guide to helping you towards getting better after a hard break-up. I don’t know everything, I don’t know anything and I don’t intend to sound like a claim to either. My guide is in no way sanctioned, certified or even proven effective, its just something by a girl who got through a break-up. And through all the words, the advice, the songs, the excerpts and the pictures, at the end of it all what you really really need to know is that it gets better, it really does and that’s all.

 

Disclaimer: 

 

The author, Jasryn Ng, took Psychology at Standard Level in the IB (results yet to be announced) and as can clearly be seen, is in no way qualified or experienced, except maybe in getting dumped and camwhoring and speaking in the third person. That being said, she now apologizes if she, in any way or form, sounded like a pretentious prick or overly emo drama queen. Her intentions were not to give any dictate but merely to pass on her own experience that it may help other people in the same situation. If it does then she will be insanely happy to have been able to touch someone’s life and if it doesn’t then well… that’s ok too.

Confession #73: I published this in quick succession following the last one because I was worried about sounding overly pretentious and didactic. Honestly, all I want to do is help someone.