The Break-Up Survival Guide Pt. 5

Depression - I don't want to live

Before, you were in denial, then you were angry, then you were comforting yourself with ‘What If’s’ but when this stage sets in, along with it comes the discomforting realization that maybe your ex isn’t coming back after all. And for the first time since the break up, comes the pain, full on, undiluted, merciless pain.

This is a very very dangerous phase. Break ups can really take a toll on you. For me, I lost a lot of weight that I'm still struggling to regain. I also lost a lot of sleep that resulted in a lot of late nights and illnesses and just general fatigue and listlessness. But mostly - it was the morbid suicidal thoughts that were the most worrying as was evident from all my stories surrounding death and posts like this. Clinical depression. At that time, I didn't want to get up in the mornings, I just went from day to day not smiling, not talking, not eating unless I was forced to. What can you do?

1. Talk. Talk to a friend, talk to your parents, talk to someone, anyone who will understand. You need to have people you can turn to. Some times you might feel like me. I don't like talking about my feelings really. And my friends are great honestly but there's only so much I could tell them without feeling like I was being a pain.

This is for the people who have friends going through a hard break-up:

I had a lot of people offering shoulders to cry on but I just kinda withdrew. (Didn't help that I have an aversion to crying in public as well) Why? Because every time I talked to some they would tell me to move on. I honestly hated it when people told me to cheer up and look at the bright side. I'm depressed, the whole world looks pretty bleak. Sure they meant well and not to be ungrateful but the last thing I needed at this stage was to be pressed to look at the bright side and all the fishes in the sea. It's hard to allow some one to be depressed and not actively try to cheer them up because that's a natural response. But do understand: some times people need to cry and they must be allowed to. You might hate it that you're powerless to do anything about it but some times people just need someone to listen to them. And nothing is more annoying than being told to "Cheer up." Your friend is going through a difficult stage and does not need to be told what to do or pressured into moving on.

2. As for you, don't let anyone tell you that you're not going fast enough or that you need to try harder or that you're being silly. Recovery is a subjective process, just like different people have different rates of physical recovery, they have different rates of emotional recovery as well. Most people who are at this stage ask, how long does it take? As long as it takes. Don't for two seconds think that you're not doing well enough. You have enough to do without worrying about whether or not you're doing it fast enough. It's ok to breakdown sometimes.

3. It might be recommended that you see a psychologist but in a place like Malaysia, how easy is it to seek psychological help? I was a coward really. I could not imagine going up to my parents to say, "I'm depressed and suicidal cause my boyfriend left me. I need help." But there are people who are actually trained to help you out with more experience than recently getting dumped. It's not stupid, it's not a waste of money and it doesn't mean you're crazy because suicidal feelings are nothing to belittle.

4. What if you don’t feel like telling someone face to face? Make random confessions on that site. Some times it's nice let it out and its kinda nice to see all the hugs you get.

5. Get off your butt, get out and do something. It's hard to be depressed when your mind is occupied. Could be a new hobby, could be a new sport. Exercise is good. It releases endorphins which make you happy. (But then so does eating chocolate) At the very least you get so worn out that you can't think anymore.

Note: At this stage, do not let your work performance slip. You will regret it later. Prioritize. Do not throw away your own life on account of someone else's. One day you will look back on this and be proud that you were stronger, that you did better, that you rose above. Why let someone else dictate your happiness?

6. Take care of yourself. That means, against every thing that I didn't; maintaining your weight, eating properly, getting enough sleep, occasionally pampering yourself and most of all not going out and doing something stupid. Or if you want to and really need to do something stupid (like getting drunk with an alcohol allergy or maybe that's just me), have a trusted friend around. I had friends around to drag me home and make me drink loads of water after one bad drinking spree.

Unseen picture of Jas getting flushed on pathetic amounts of alcohol.

7. You may be contemplating suicide because that’s just how painful it is. Ok. Are you surprised I said ok? You shouldn’t be.

“I could die tomorrow and you wouldn’t bat an eye would you? They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger… what if it does kill you? What then? But no, you don’t die of a broken heart… that’s the problem isn’t it?

-Letters, December 1^st 2008-

“I feel like I’m falling to pieces and I’m not sure what’s holding me together."

-Letters, December 12^th 2008-

It’s been a horrible few nights. Every single time I go to sleep, I have dreams… or nightmares rather. Nightmares of being haunted by ghosts and demons and devils. And they’re not half as bad as the nightmares I have about you and her, you with her… or just you."

-Letters, December 19^th 2008-

I felt the same but its perfectly natural. But there is a big difference between thinking of and actually doing something. See, I came across this site and I think its pretty good. Basically it says “Sucide is not a choice; it happens when pain exceeds the resources for coping with it.” So all that that you’re feeling, it’s not bad it’s not wrong, it doesn’t mean that you’re somehow flawed or psychotic or weak, it doesn’t even mean that you want to die – it only means that you are feeling more pain than you can cope with. Strength and willpower has little to do with it because who doesn’t want to be happy?

Would you care if I died tomorrow? Would you shake your head and laugh at how I wasn’t strong? Why is it that you think I’m not strong? Why do you never consider that you hit me harder than I could take? That maybe things are only as strong as their weakest point. I opened myself up to you because you told me there was nothing to be afraid of. I never saw it coming

-Letters, December 1^st 2008-

Note: If your friend is suicidal don’t say things like “That’s not a reason to commit suicide.” People have a tendency to scorn upon suicidal feelings. You cannot rationalize to find a cut-off point for when its ok to commit suicide because like I said, different people have different rates of healing, they also have different capacities for coping with pain. And it is also very hurtful when you dismiss what is actually a very serious feeling. You will not help. It is not a matter of religion, it is not a matter of ethics and it is not just 'being emo' it is the simple matter of one person hurting so bad that they can no longer see another way out. You have to help show them that there is a way out.

This is the hardest most dangerous stage of all and you’ll see that I’ve included things for other people with friends going through a break-up because quite honestly, it’s difficult to go through it alone. It’s not wrong to lean on people and it’s not weak to ask for help. The bright side is once you get through this stage you can be proud that you’re well on your way to recovery.

"It takes more courage to suffer than to die." - Napoleon Bonaparte-

Confession #72: I was a mess. And I almost ran out of hope. I wanted to die. And I hated myself for it. I hated myself for not being strong enough to keep going nor strong enough to end it right there and then.