You start wondering would things have been different if only you had blablabla or if only you hadn't blablabla. You keep going over and over a gazillion things in your head analyzing from every single possible probable angle, drawing on and magnifying every little flaw and defect and mistake. You keep beating yourself up and thinking that if only you had been more understanding, less demanding, more forgiving, less impetuous, more cheerful, less angry, more tolerant, less clingy things would've been different. STOP. Ask yourself;
Would it really?
Would anything have really really changed the final outcome? Is there really anything you could've done? It's not all on you you know, sure there's a lot you can improve on but there's a lot he/ she can improve on as well. You start thinking that if you change then maybe they'll come around but you know what? It takes two, it really does and if the other person wasn’t willing, there was little you could’ve done to make it work.
Ask yourself, how much could you have done really? Was there really any way you could’ve tried harder? How much more were you willing to give up in terms or time and effort and… friends? How much of you could you have changed before you weren't you anymore? Remember, cliche though it may be: Any one who doesn't love you at your worst, doesn't deserve you at your best.
1. Tell yourself, or get your friends to tell you, all about your positive traits. I know – so lame and cliché right? But a little ego boost can do you good. If you really feel you need to change something, then do it but don't do it hoping they'll come back, do it because you want to. But chances are you're only suffering a bout of insecurity. Perfectly normal but highly unproductive. See, the truth is...
Nobody will love you if you can't love yourself. Trite but true.
2. Start channeling your feelings into more productive channels. You may still continue with your martial arts. For me, I started writing. I wrote a lot when I was especially down, the most I'd ever written in my life. At the end of it I complied it all into a 5500 word essay that I submitted for the MPH Essay contest. Find your own thing. It could be writing, it could be drawing, it could be music. The best artists are truly the most messed up. I wrote two of my better stories during this time: Prayer and Self-Control I also liked A Chinese Story because it allowed me to put into words what I didn't have the courage or capacity to say out loud.
3. What's important is to never, never ever let your looks slip. You stop putting makeup or stop doing your hair, you stop fussing over your dressing maybe you even stop showering just cause you think no one will be looking. But you don't get shabby and stop maintaining yourself just because he/she's not there or because you think "It doesn't matter cause he/she doesn't want me anyway." It's not for anyone, it's for you.
You have to take that extra effort to not let your looks slip. At the very least, maintain proper hygiene. Yes, that means you still shave or wax and go through the ever tedious process that is grooming. It sounds shallow I know but right now you're sad and you're going to need all the positivity you can get. And to be frank looking like crap doesn't help you or your nagging insecurities, having people check you out or people say, "You look amazing." on the other hand, does. It boosts your confidence. And who doesn't need a bit of that after a bad break up?
Yeah, that was me. I was a mess. Notice eye bags and messy hair and how I couldn't even bothered to put on a proper shirt. For a week or two I was just going to school wearing virtually nothing but jackets cause I couldn't be bothered. But then I was like "WTH. Being ugly doesn't help me."
Warning: At this point, they may have moved on already. They may be flirting around, crushing on someone else, actively be after someone else. Heck, he may even be dating someone else. First make sure it's not your imagination. Every little gesture every little action is a sign of undying love and devotion, even though when he did those same things to you you said, "Oh it's probably nothing." But if you know that your ex has someone else you will look at that person and you will wonder what they have that you don't, what they can do that you can't. You start to beat yourself up, "If I were better looking, smarter, funnier, sexier, better."
I have spent the whole day, wondering who she could be. This girl who I know, logically, does not exist. Yet. But paranoia keeps getting to me and I find myself looking at every girl wondering, “Is it you? Will you replace me? Will he like you better?”
-Letters, November 24th 2008-
Stop. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? This is not helping your insecurities. Don’t forget that that person will have flaws too. It may be in terms of looks, it may be in terms of personality but chances are they are not as perfect as you make them out to be. The only thing they really have that you don't right now is probably the attention of your ex and that's the only thing you really envy. Don't.
You may wish and hope and pray that your ex will show some kind of consideration, some little bit of kindness towards you and not behave in such a manner but reality check: they are not your partner anymore and hence no longer responsible for your well-being and happiness. Currently, their own happiness trumps yours – so why should you be any different? Put yourself first.
You do NOTHING about it. What happened to not letting anyone humiliate me???? Where are all your promises Ong Rui Yuan??? All your words, what do they count for when you do NOTHING but stand by and let me be hurt?
-Letters, November 30th 2008-
You may say they promised they did but I’m sorry, for the most part, people are not fastidious in keeping promises especially after a break-up because they feel as though it is no longer relevant. Don’t cling on to hopes of promises. In the end, they're just words.
You don’t care do you? Because you’re selfish and you need to be right and while you may not have wanted to hurt me, you will do nothing to fix it because you cannot even show me half the consideration I have for you. I know… you simply don’t want to be responsible. Not for me. So you think that just because you’re not my boyfriend, you’re not obligated to clean up the mess you left me in. You think you can just wash your hands clean of me and you’re glad for that.
-Letters, December 12th 2008-
Confession #59: Mulan is playing on Disney Channel. Man I love that show. I can quote Mushu (and half a dozen Disney characters) AND sing the songs (even though I can't sing so please don't ever ask me to)
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